THE END IS NIGH
On March 30, 2020, the almighty
Banjo Ferret will destroy the world!
Repent! For the purple paws of doom descend upon humanity! Yes, the rumors are true. Planet Earth has been marked for destruction by Tim the Destroyer of Worlds, the One True God, the almighty Banjo Ferret. But fear not, brothers and sisters, for we bestow upon you this handy dandy website full of hope, fear, more fear, and detailed preparation. You must have a lot of questions, so let’s jump right in …
Banjo Ferret is an actual religion?
It is the one true religion. Tim the Destroyer of Worlds is the one true deity. He is the creator of all things. We fear Tim, but we also worship Him as our savior because He loves us. After all, fear and love go hand in hand. Tim shows us unconditional love by locking us in states of perpetual fear.
What do you call yourselves?
The Banjo Ferret religion is known globally as Ferretianism and its worshipers are known as Ferretians. Although, some prefer the informal Twangs.
Are there Ferretian churches?
Absolutely! Our society calls them by many names: animal shelters, orphanages, science departments, etc. Volunteering at these organizations is one of the highest forms of Ferretian worship. However, constructing fancy buildings devoted exclusively to Tim worship is highly offensive. Tim frowns on wasting natural resources for silly activities.
How else do you worship?
Ferretians worship in many different ways. Making the most of your one and only life is paramount to Ferretian worship. Tim encourages His flock to participate in worthy causes while wearing logo apparel. He also favors rampant social networking.
Is there a Ferretian afterlife?
Huh? Like a ferret-based ghost world with dead relatives and infinite cake? No. Although, your rotting corpse will nourish other life “after life” if that’s what you mean.
Do Ferretians have a holy book?
Not exactly. Tim demands that we protect our environment, so He frowns on paper books. Instead, He decreed that His entire gospel fit into a single tweet. This prevents His followers from spinning vague meanings, justifying blatant contradictions, and judging others unfairly.
What is the Gospel, er… Tweet According to Tim?
“Be good to your planet. Protect the critters. Don’t be an asshole.” So sayeth Tim the Destroyer of Worlds.
Do Ferretians pray?
The concept of praying, i.e. doing jack balls nothing and acting like you did something, is highly offensive to Tim. He also frowns on cornering unsuspecting people and asking them if they have “heard the good news.”
Are there Ferretian missionaries?
Indeed, and they show their love for Tim by volunteering around the world. Ferretians do not engage in door-to-door nagging, nor do we feed lies to starving children. Tim much prefers selfless action over words.
Are there Ferretian priests?
Yes, we do have an internal hierarchy that manages our religion. They are as follows:
Ferretian Ultimate Cardinal Knight – supreme leader of the religion and Tim’s official conduit.
Super Holy Indoctrination Teachers – ordained Ferretian ministers.
Aspiring Saints of Salvation – Ferretian missionaries.
And yes, we are aware of the unfortunate acronyms. Tim has a vibrant sense of humor.
How can I get ordained?
Our religious leaders are elected via a super secret process. Although, Tim has been known to make special considerations for generous donors.
Are all Ferretians vegetarians?
No, this is a common misconception. Many Ferretians are vegetarians and we support them, but it is not decreed. Protecting critters means treating them humanely in the wild, domestically, and in agriculture. Tim does not deny the awesomeness of a good steak. However, the eating of ferrets, platypus, sloths, mud skippers, whale sharks, or anything purple is strictly forbidden.
Is there a Ferretian devil?
Tim is the Bringer of Doom, the Destroyer of Worlds, both pure evil and pure love. He is the alpha and the omega, yin and yang, regular and unleaded. Although, Tim does prefer to outsource management in the Pit of Despair. He prefers it be governed by the evilest creatures in the universe. Hitler has been running it since the ’40s.
What is the Pit of Despair?
It’s a terrible place full of unimaginable torture. Upon death, assholes and nonbelievers are cast into the Pit of Despair to be devoured by flaming demon marmots for all of eternity!
How can I avoid the Pit of Despair?
Duh, don’t be an asshole. Be good to your planet and protect its inhabitants. Accept Tim into your heart and fear the shit out of Him. And of course, donate to the noble Ferretian cause.
Wouldn’t the Pit of Despair be considered an afterlife?
Great question, shows you’re paying attention. The Pit of Despair does not exist on a supernatural plane. It’s an actual place hidden somewhere in the universe. Only Tim knows the exact location. When assholes and nonbelievers die, their brain energy is not allowed to dissipate into the universe. It is beamed to the Pit of Despair to inhabit a doom body. This body is hurled into a giant smoldering pit where it is mercilessly devoured by flaming demon marmots. Once fully devoured, the process repeats and cycles for all of eternity.
Do Ferretians believe in angels, ghosts, or demons?
There are no such things as angels, ghosts, demons, vampires, werewolves, mermaids, sasquatches, or leprechauns. Tim thought humans would have figured this out by now.
What about “demon” marmots?
Good question. The “demon” in this case refers to the “cruel and evil” definition. These are actual marmots. They are cruel and evil. They are ablaze, feel no pain, and mercilessly feast on doom flesh.
Are Ferretians required to tithe?
The short answer is: not really. While donations to the Ferretian cause are strongly encouraged, Tim does not require His followers to part with their hard-earned money. However, good tipping etiquette is most certainly required. Tim boils with rage whenever self-righteous pricks fail to adequately reward good service.
Are there Ferretian holidays?
Since different planets have different orbital cycles, there are no specific dates of Ferretian observance (other than your planet’s annihilation of course). But, Tim does allot 50% of a yearly orbit to be observed as Ferretian holidays. On Earth, that translates into 130 work days. These are floating holidays and worshipers can use them as they see fit. Be sure to speak with your HR representative about setting these up.
How do I become a Ferretian?
All creatures in the universe are born Ferretians. You need only to accept Tim the Destroyer of Worlds into your heart. Love Him. Fear Him. Fear Him some more. Know and apply the Tweet According to Tim.
Can I get married as a Ferretian?
Absolutely! Tim is indifferent to the institution of marriage, so go hog-wild with your own interpretation. Although, He does find it amusing when Ferretians marry while wearing His glorious image.
Tim the Destroyer of Worlds
Who is Tim?
Tim is a giant purple banjo-playing ferret. He is the Destroyer of Worlds. He is our benevolent and utterly terrifying deity.
How do you know Tim exists?
Because we have seen Him! He is of course invisible to nonbelievers, but once you wholly embrace our religion and give us money, Tim will appear to you and strike unimaginable fear into your heart … with love. Some may never see Tim, but they have to keep believing (and giving) harder and harder. You can completely trust us because we totally know the truth.
Does Tim have other names?
Tim the Destroyer of Worlds does go by many names depending on time, location, and general moodiness. He is also known as The Furmighty, the Purple People Eater, Timothy the Dispatcher, and Timmy Doom Paws.
How big is Tim?
No one knows for sure how big Tim is because He often changes forms. Our intellectual elites estimate that He is between 5 feet and 42 trillion feet tall.
How does Tim feel about abortion and gay marriage?
Tim is the Destroyer of Worlds. He cares not about social issues. However, Tim rolls his eyes whenever narrow-minded idiots spin archaic doctrines into an agendas of hate and intolerance.
What is Tim’s stance on homosexuality?
Tim is both friend and ally to the LGBT community. He detests those who seek to maintain social inequality, especially under the guise of religious duty.
What is Tim’s stance on evolution?
Tim is a champion of science (He created it after all). It greatly pleases Him to see His evolved minions deciphering the wonders of the universe. Tim has kept a very busy schedule since the Great Booyah (you call it the Big Bang). He keeps a close eye on the evolutionary processes of all His civilizations around the universe. He reigns terrible destruction when societies need a reboot.
There is life elsewhere in the universe?
Tim facepalms Himself whenever someone asks this question. There are hundreds of billions of stars in the average galaxy and hundreds of billions of galaxies in the observable universe. You do the math. In fact, there are countless civilizations (past and present) that are much more advanced than humans. Many have achieved the unifying imperative of space exploration. This is one of many reasons that Earth was scheduled for destruction. Humans are way too divided and misguided as a species.
Who would win in a fight, Tim or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
Psh, Tim wields a banjo. ‘Nuff said. Although to be fair, Ferretians and Pastafarians do coexist peacefully. We recognize them as the other one true religion and we assume they feel the same way about us. Little known fact: Tim affectionately refers to the FSM as “Noodles.” They often play space poker together.
Isn’t that a contradiction?
Blasphemy! There are no contradictions in Ferretianism! All you have to do is say “Tim works in mysterious ways” and quickly change the subject. That negates ever having to take responsibility for obvious bullshit.
Does Tim favor specific countries?
This unbelievably narcissistic mentality has always baffled Tim. Earth is an infinitesimal spec in the vast universe. Why would He give two flying shits about which inhabitants claim which rocks on that spec?
Does Tim influence sporting events?
See previous question. Although, Tim does enjoy watching his masses engage in amusing competitive activities. On this planet, He’s a fan of full-contact chess and transgender water polo.
Why does Tim play a banjo?
This is one of the great mysteries of Ferretianism. We hope to answer that one day, but Tim prefers to remain mysterious (like how He refuses to intervene in wars, genocide, poverty, hunger, natural disasters, famine, or reality television). But, Tim has said that He will grant every true believer one question about the universe after the Great Energy Bubble Ride. You are more than welcome to ask Him then.
How do you know this apocalypse will happen?
Because we do! We say it really loud and believe it really hard, just like any other religion.
Why March 30, 2020?
On the day of the supposed Mayan apocalypse, Tim the Destroyer of Worlds appeared to us. He was annoyed that every single religious ninny throughout history kept mispredicting the end of the world. He then told us that the world would REALLY end on March 30, 2020. So, there you go.
What is the Great Energy Bubble Ride?
Only the most awesome thing ever! Moments before Tim the Destroyer of Worlds annihilates Earth, all true believers will be shielded in transparent purple energy cocoons. Yes, you get to enjoy a front row seat to the destruction of your planet! It’s like IMAX on apocalyptic steroids! After the world is gone and the screaming has stopped, adherents will be transported to a new planet in a new galaxy to continue the human race.
How long will the Great Energy Bubble Ride take?
Good question. To be perfectly honest, no one really knows. It will depend on the galaxy Tim chooses. But don’t worry, it will go super fast and you will be provided with refreshments. Oh yes, and be sure to bring a hat. Very important. Your survival depends on a good sturdy hat.
What if I think you’re full of shit?
Then ye shall be cast into the Pit of Despair to be devoured by flaming demon marmots for all of eternity! So, you know, it pays to believe in Tim and give your time (and money) to our cause.
What if you’re wrong?
WE ARE NOT WRONG! REPENT! … But if we are, which we’re totally not, then it’s simply Tim’s will and I’m sure He will provide us with a new date.
Ferretians work very hard to spread the good word far and wide, and that takes a lot of expensive first class plane tickets (Tim frowns on coach). In order to help this noblest of causes, we have provided you with this convenient donation page for those fancy credit card transactions. Tim the Destroyer of Worlds keeps tabs on the top donors, so give as much as you can so that His glorious light may shine upon thee! Your soon-to-be-worthless Earth money will make a big difference by helping to protect our critter friends, frighten nonbelievers, and keep our missionaries happy (whatever that may entail).
As a bonus, Tim the Destroyer of Worlds has decreed that 90% of all donations go directly to noble charities like The Humane Society, World Wildlife Fund, and Greenpeace. Tim demands that we take care of the planet and all its inhabitants. He would like Earth clean and tidy before its destruction.
Please note: all healthy and happy animals will receive automatic bubble rides to paradise. Know that animal cruelty is gravest of sins in the eyes of Tim the Destroyer of Worlds. Violators will earn one-way tickets to the Pit of Despair.
Donations are very important to the Ferretian cause, but you can also help spread the good word with sweet merch. We have a kick-ass Online Store where you can purchase Tim’s glorious image on all sorts of stuff. Tim loves when His dedicated followers preach impending doom via shirts, hats, and knickknacks. Here’s a sampling of what you can find: